Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Still in shock

Rest in peace sweet angels......

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hochsprung, 47
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto,27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

As the nation continues to mourn the victims of the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school in Newton, Connecticut.... I find myself still trying to make sense of something that I can never understand. just needing to pour out my random thoughts....

These names above are the victims of this horrific crime....names that are related to two people I know who lost their loved ones that day. These names could have easily been our own relations in a random act of violence that seems to be occurring too frequently in today's society.

This man I never met has changed my life. As a mom, friend and former teacher my heart hurts and aches with the whys of it all. An answer I will never receive. It causes me to lose faith in others, to not want to send my own children off to school, to feel the tinglings of fear that also fuel my anger for being made to feel that way.

I went to the girl's school on Monday to volunteer with craft day in Kathleen's first grade classroom. A special day filled with giggles, laughter, smiles and sheer excitement and joy and in the midst of it all I became so overwhelmed with emotion I could barely speak. It took all I had to not show tears to the class as I thought of those precious children taken way too young that should have been enjoying these same joys. For the parents who will never again hear their laughter, dry their tears or watch them grow. It is an unimaginable pain that I know every parent hearing the news is sharing in this grief. 

There are just no words of sympathy that can even begin to heal their hearts and ease their minds. It's an evil so unimaginable.... how do you ever get past that horror? How are we as a society going to make a difference and create change? We can't sit back and think it will never happen in our area.... because those same parents thought those exact thoughts. 

So many have questioned how God can allow this to happen..... I can only answer that I am keeping my faith strong.... there are messages to families and communities from God all the time.... how often some choose to ignore those signs. I worry for the state of our families and how little regard some place on them. The structure of family has begun to fall apart and the results can be disastrous. What happened to marrying for keeps? For working through the tough times? For understanding that no one is perfect and to be accepting of another? Why is marriage now entered into with the thought that if it doesn't work out, oh well I'll get a divorce? Values, morals, trust..... the list goes on. Sometimes the most disturbed minds in life are those who have not been loved in their lives or have been misdirected, or even not given the help they need. Who do we hold responsible there?

Will I mention the name here of the shooter? No.... he doesn't deserve that recognition, but these children and these amazing adults who gave their lives.... absolutely deserve tribute and remembrance. I have so many emotions inside I just needed to pour some out into words. Perhaps jumbled, scattered and unclear but words to help me get out what I feel.

My deepest and most heartfelt sympathies go out to all involved in this tragedy. Victims, police, community, their families and all of us who have been changed by this man. Those of us hesitant to watch our children board the school bus.... to that doubt that will nag us.... to the worry of the security in our own children's school. To the thoughts of guns and whether or not they should be banned. To the thoughts that if someone in that school was armed how many lives could have been saved. Lots to think about and ponder. Lots of anxieties for me and so many others. I don't know of many people right now resting easy with these worries.....
The anger of having to explain this tragedy to my children because the talk is all over school and everywhere you go. To take that piece of innocence away from them hurts my heart. To see their faces as they try to process what it means....to reassure them that it won't happen at their school.... to have Kathleen speak up of remembrance when their school did go into lock down when a child brought a fake gun to school....to me reliving that fearful day of the unknown.... to the lack of communication with schools, media and law enforcement.....the list goes on.....

My heart hurts, aches, breaks and grasps to understand.... I hug my girls even tighter and more frequently every day as I thank God for them.This will take time to process....time to heal..... but understanding.... no I don't think that will ever come to closure.

I'd like to share some resources from my blogging friend who has mentioned in a recent post on how to help these families and I wanted to direct you to her link. You can click here
Please continue to keep these families in your thoughts and prayers and together as a community stand together and support one another.

"Give me beauty in the inward soul; may the outward and the inward man be at one"  Socrates

"We shall find peace. We shall hear angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds"  Anton Chekhov

The butterflies have always had special meaning to me and my family when we have lost loved ones.....they always seem to bring the sign that our loved ones are ok and still with us.

                                                                       Many blessings to all this evening....


McVal said...

I feel the same way. When I try to imagine what those families are going thru, it's too overwhelming.

Tara said...

Hi Jill, what you wrote is beautiful. And I agree with all of it. That list of sweet angels is just too long, isn't it? Beatutiful babies, really. My heart is heavy too still Jill. It was nice to read what you wrote. Thank you for sharing your way with words. ~tara

Sonya Ann said...

My heart is broken and I can't even begin to imagine how the parents are doing.

Nicolle said...

Beautiful words sweet friend. I have been in such a fog since Friday. I praise God through all of this though...where would we be without him?! Even in hard times like this, I never question Him or His will. He loves us so much, and we have to be strong and be faithful, always. I really love what you wrote.

The part about taking away our kids' innocence....that does get me too. I don't want an awful world for our babies to grow up in. We can change it though, one person at a time.

I just love your heart, and am so thankful for your friendship.

Hena Tayeb said...

Their names and ages in a list like that.. how heartless can a man be? Mine has been breaking and going out to them all week.